I Gave Myself A Lot of Grace During that Time
On this very day, five years ago…
We had just celebrated Stella’s first birthday a couple months before. I had just rebranded my business two weeks prior. I was feeling really good about the new year approaching and excited for 2015. But never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate the news I received on this day. “There’s your baby.” She said as she moved the wand across my belly. “And there’s the other baby.”
I was pregnant with twins and in no way prepared for it. I knew how much work one baby was and I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to have two!
To this day, carrying twins is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Anytime life gets hard I remind myself, “Jess, you carried twins. If you made it through that, you can make it through this.”
My body completely changed with carrying Perry and Zeke. I developed two separate sacs, placentas, and supporting structures. I would normally wait until I had made it through the first trimester before sharing the news, but at eight weeks I had no choice but to tell my family because I was already showing. I carried them for 36 weeks. I weighed 220lbs the day they were born. I wore maternity leggings for a solid year after. It’s taken me four years to get back to feeling like myself, physically. I gave myself a lot of grace during that time. Four years may seem like a long time, but when I look at what I hope will be a very long life, it’s a very small amount of time.
My body did a magical and miraculous thing.
And it was never lost on me that there are women who would do anything to have the experience of carrying one child, let alone two, and I wasn’t going to minimize that by wishing away the body that gave birth, the body that others would do anything to have.
Tonight, as if they somehow knew the significance of this day, both boys asked to sleep with me. I can’t remember the last time this happened. So I’m laying here in bed right now with Perry on my left and Zeke on my right and all that anxiety and fear I felt five years ago on this very day is long gone.